We never really talk about aging, particularly with our parents

Having difficult conversations with our loved ones can be a daunting but crucial step in overcoming obstacles earlier on and determining the quality of our lives.

When we think about difficult conversations, one subject that is rarely at the top of the list is getting older.

From the perspective of the person whose birthday candles are getting more numerous, it is the thought of possibly losing authority or perceived physical/mental strength. Whether this is in your family, social group or a work setting, it can be difficult.

The effect on parent-child relationships

Something to consider is that it can be equally difficult for children to accept that their parents are getting older. The experience of one of your parents reaching out to you for reassurance is a strange feeling. In one sense, it is good to feel like your parents now see you as an equal, but there is the feeling of loss for the protective umbrella your parents have held over you as you were growing up.

There is much more to be celebrated than mourned in this situation, whilst your parents may now look to you for reassurance and advice, the protective feelings they have for you will not change as you all grow older. This is not the end of something, it’s just a change in the way we may rely on each other. There is now a mutual respect between adults that was not there before.

Asking for help

We can’t stop or slow down time and at some point in our future we may need to ask for help, which can be difficult to accept.

Whilst talking about changes that happen to all of us as we get older, it’s good to remember that these conversations can make everyone involved feel a little vulnerable.

When parents accept their children as adults, it should be easier to speak honestly about getting older and the needs associated with advancing age. However, it is not always the case, as our parents may not want to worry us and we may not want to intrude. But in my experience both personally and professionally, total honesty is always the best way.

Have a “cards on the table” discussion about how you are feeling, about what is helpful and what is unhelpful. When people who love us worry about our health or happiness, they may not always respect our boundaries or our privacy.

Trying to change perspective

The thing to remember is that worry is born out of caring, and whilst questioning how you are doing can feel intrusive, it comes from a place of love. When you have these feelings, talk about them. When you talk, be open to listen to your loved ones thoughts even if you do not agree. It is ok to be upset at confronting subjects that you might wish you never have to, remember it is ok to laugh.There is no right way to have these discussions, let them unfold naturally.

Every person and family is different, and you know the dynamic in your circle better than anyone, trust that you can talk honestly with the people you love. If what comes from these discussions is that not everyone is ready to talk about what they need right now, that is ok too. The most important thing to take from this is keeping the lines of communication open in your family, and whenever your loved one is ready, they know you are ready to hear them.

Bottom line

We cannot stop our family getting older, what we can do is have these discussions. Make decisions with the older people in your life now so that the quality of your lives will be better in the years to come.The love, reassurance and support in your family is still there and though the dynamic may change over the years, it is still just as strong as it has always been.

There is not much that cannot be solved with a cup of tea (insert your preference here!) and a really honest chat.

Written by Jodie Smith, Customer Care Manager at MySense